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An Irishman sees a job advert published on a building site, 'handy
man wanted; apply within'.

So he does and speaks to the foreman.

Foreman: Can you drive a forklift truck?

Irish man: No

Foreman: can you plaster?

Irish man: No

Foreman: Can you brick lay?

Irish man: No

Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you?

Irish man: I only live five minutes down the road....

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In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count
that votes.

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Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the
company and he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Fresh, canned or frozen?"

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