关于男人pull himself away, the book <Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus> said "Men Are Like Rubber Bands" -sense(vs. sensibility) @安省华人论坛:安省枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of Ontario

枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / 再挖个坑，“如何才可以爱的久一点” ，谢谢大家给我那么的建议和肺腑之言，的确给我的帮助很大，让我正视自己的弱点。昨晚，他对我说，he is kind of pulling himself back a little this weekend, 我问他为什么。他说，他结婚时以为一生就会在一起， -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-28 {1010} (#3898641@0)
无论发生什么，都会一起度过，然而走过了13年的婚姻还是离婚了，已经6年了。他说每一次从新进入一段感情，刚开始他总是很open, 愿意去了解一个人，爱一个人。可是到了一定程度，他又会close自己。我问他为什么，他说可能因为怕受伤害，所以把自己收回了。他说，他的感情就像是潮水，有潮起，hug the shore, 有潮落，悄悄的退出。我问他，那当你潮落的时候，你想让我如何？他说，love me. 我对他说，感情是会变的。如果你把自己收起来，一次一次，我的感情也许会加深，也许会加生。不要试我的潜力，也许you will get what you wish for.

为什么他会这样的moody, 这样的不坚定？

为什么爱他？他注视我的时候，让我觉得自己像花一样绽放在他的目光下。他说，在他眼里，我就像花一样，我对他说，请你做我的花园吧。我一向倾心温柔的男子，而他是这样gentle的一个人，让我觉得安全，温暖.

我相信每一个女人在男人眼中可以像一朵花，有的男人把花当成装饰品，有的男人对花视若不见，而他，他好象是我的园丁, 因他的浇灌，我才妖娆成长。

每天清晨，在我的办公桌上都会有一朵他从后院剪下雏菊，看倒那朵洁白的雏菊静静的躺在咖啡色的容器里，我的心都在怒放。叫我如何不爱他？

MM, modify your post immediately, now -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-28 {184} (#3898694@0)
这里的人都在残忍地狞笑着看着你，快改掉吧。
从技术角度来说，雏菊是一种weed，比蒲公英差不了多少。那就是园丁心目中你的地位。连玫瑰都没有。不要插在办公室了，同事们也在残忍地狞笑着看着你。

即使是野花，也是花。爱心是没有贵贱之分的。如果他只是从花店送花过来，我就不会觉得他这样有情谊了。你的回帖让我感受万千，因各自的经历不同，对同一事物的看法就有不同。人是这样的不一样。 -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-29 (#3899863@0)

美眉你是善良的，你在他心中的地位是没有高低之分的，阿猫和阿狗是一样的，这个世界是和平的 -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-29 {486} (#3900160@0)
这不是贵贱之分的问题，这是他的effort的问题。与其送weed,还不如不送。

一个简单方法帮你测验一下：

马上去他家把他的weed都要了，你说你喜欢这些weed。看他给不给，那是多年生的草，把花割掉不会有任何损害。如果他不想全给，说明你的价值小于那些花的价值（约$9.95)。

如果他全给了，你看他以后还送不送，如果不送，说明你的价值已全付清了（约$9.95）。

如果测验结果是以上之一的话，你就需要修改一下你的童话了，或者把此事与你家人说一下，让他们出主意，最好把雏菊改成油菜花什么的，这样你家人能明白。

我其实看不太懂你的意思。但是还是谢谢你的参与。有一本书叫：ｔｈｅ　ｍａｓｔｅｒｙ　ｏｆ　ｌｏｖｅ．　在书中说，爱一个人和爱一条狗应该是一样的，都应是无条件的爱的。不能因为你爱的是一个人，你要求回报的多一些。 -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-29 (#3900388@0)

美眉，我败给你了，那不是咱的意思。Love is not a science, you don't need to read books. It is not an art, you don't need talent. It is -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-29 {160} (#3900461@0)
something you can feel right now and you are trying to fight against. This forum is called 情爱悠悠, its main purpose is to use 情爱 to 忽悠 everyone. 祝你好运.

what a nice post, fully agree -1comment(1comment); 2007-8-29 (#3900897@0)

I definitely agree with you on this point, and keep those beautiful flowers, wild or not, on your table, cause they are wonderful. -asker(amour); 2007-8-29 (#3901046@0)

前不久参加了一个婚礼，婚礼上新郎的爸爸说了一句话我觉得很有道理。He said:"To build a successful marriage, you need to fall in love many times in your marriage. But you need to always make sure that you fall in love with the same person everytime“. -sense(vs. sensibility); 2007-8-28 {55} (#3898727@0)
I think it is also useful for a long term relationship.

fall in love with the same person many times, it is not easy... -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-29 (#3900011@0)

I agree, not easy at all. Or else everyone would live happily ever after... -sense(vs. sensibility); 2007-8-29 (#3900604@0)

关于男人pull himself away, the book <Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus> said "Men Are Like Rubber Bands" -sense(vs. sensibility); 2007-8-28 {1643} (#3898747@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.

Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

So True! -fattyfish(囧　最近有点败－－); 2007-8-28 (#3898756@0)
拜托，学习笔记就不要贴上来啦。典型一赵括。 -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-28 (#3898834@0)

I just want to share it with LZ, if you don't like it. you don't have to read it. I believe my post doesn't affect you anything. -sense(vs. sensibility); 2007-8-28 (#3898859@0)

我也只是想把我的真实想法告诉lz呀，木办法，不同意见而已嘛。 -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-28 (#3898877@0)
It totally makes sense, I should read the book. -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-29 (#3899879@0)

Ouch ! -babyface(★★ 太抒情了 ★★); 2007-8-29 (#3900193@0)
我在和老外的交往中也确实感到了这么个时期，但在我的字典里，这叫若即若离，难免让中国人怀疑爱的程度和真假，因为中国男人如果真的爱上了你，好象没这毛病。 -hehiha(haha); 2007-8-29 (#3901077@0)

慢动作可以持续的久一些. -647i(流浪的步行万里); 2007-8-28 (#3898749@0)
你要小心了！做为相同的男人，我知道你男友有时对你们今后在一起是否能幸福快乐很迷惘．也许是你也许是他自身原因．成熟的男人是这样： -edcw(说着玩的); 2007-8-28 {246} (#3898952@0)
他们注重感觉上是否优秀，条件是否优秀对他们来说并不是决定性的，很多mm忽略了这点，以为自己年轻工作经济条件好，一切应该理所应当，自认为就他这条件找不到比我条件好的，况且不行再找还怕找不到，结果一败再败，什么都做了－－－，最后还是散了，委曲的不的了．

所以还是便宜卖了算了？ -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-28 (#3898970@0)
说得好。这个道理看似简单，其实蕴含了很多人多年才能领悟到的真谛。 -lealealea(leah); 2007-8-29 (#3899605@0)
说的很有道理，懂得善待自己的人一定是看重自己的感觉的 -strepne(refresh); 2007-8-29 (#3899902@0)
我要怎么办？一周一次，我们会有一次open talk，周一他对我说，他在院子里BBQ, 回头时看见我站在厨房准备salad，觉得是这样自然，好像生活就是应该这样的。 -rosegarden(spanish harlem); 2007-8-29 {346} (#3899931@0)
他曾经说过，他可以想象和我从此以后一起生活。当我再次问起他是否还有同样的感觉，他说他不敢去承诺。我觉得他是快乐的，每一次他都是笑容满面。我对他说，we make perfect couple. 他说世界上有perfect 一说吗？我说有，我们就会是一个instance. 他只是笑了，我喜欢看事物光亮的一面而忘却阴暗的一面，有一种人看见事物光亮的一面而恐惧阴暗的一面。我觉得他好像有恐惧。

不要一厢情愿了, 他根本不想对你对未来做承诺. 你也只是玩玩的话无妨, 否则尽快move on 吧. -7y7(醉里吴音); 2007-8-29 (#3899973@0)
感觉上你的男友让你不安只是没有即时对你的某些问题有让你满意的答复，而对于你的这些问题的确很难能让一个稳重的男人一下子清楚地回答，因为他也不知道，他又不想象个卖＂大力丸＂的推销员信口胡说，某种程度也是对你负责． -edcw(说着玩的); 2007-8-29 {234} (#3900322@0)
如果你爱他他也爱你，就去轻松享受和他在一起的每一天，自信一点，没必要去追求一些语言上的快感．时间长了＂润物细无声＂也许你会发现以前的操心是多余的．当然如果你们最后真的有缘无份也不奇怪，不是每个情人都能结成佳眷的，别傻傻地一古脑走到黑．
"他说他不敢去承诺。" So you might need to leave him alone and move on, cause you sound like a lady who wants to settle down, while he sounds like a man who wants to hang around. You two want different things. Get rid of those illusion, sister. -asker(amour); 2007-8-29 (#3901052@0)

He may settle down one day, but perhaps not with you. You just step into his life at the wrong time. So sorry that you are so in love with a man who can romanticize you but cannot give you any commitment. -asker(amour); 2007-8-29 (#3901054@0)

感觉你并不了解他。他跟你一起可能有快乐的时候，也喜欢你。但不见得爱你。如果你真是他生命中要找的那个人，你又那么想嫁他，他会娶你。可惜你不是。 -9604(眯眯眼); 2007-8-31 (#3905454@0)

不说爱，只是两个人的关系维护如何可以更长久，中国的一句古话：竹门对竹门，朱门对朱门，是真理 -sowen(sowen); 2007-8-29 {382} (#3899656@0)
不要妄想所谓的爱情是不分地域，不分年龄，不分阶级之类的。我承认有可能发生，但大多数的时候，门当户对是非常重要的。

生活习惯，家庭背景，教育素养，价值观等等，都是建立在各自的成长环境里面；如果相差得太多，而双方的个性又好强，就不要指望有长久的relationship。

这个世界，属于你的就一定会到的；不属于你的，怎么努力都没用。不是我消极，盲目的天命论，而是对于所谓的爱情，我觉得是对的……
记得刚上班时，一位年长的师傅说：结婚就像撞大运一样。当时还不明白，现在想想真是有道理啊！ -cjlmxbt(超级辣妹小白兔); 2007-8-29 (#3900075@0)
Just got back from 美食天地. If you get time, please go there to have a look at all those wonderful stuff made by sisters and brothers. Get your mind some rest, and focus on something else other than this guy for a while. -asker(amour); 2007-8-29 {679} (#3901042@0)
I don't really think he is persuasive with the reason why he has been moody. Actually many divorced people are not like this, because they have the courage and will power to get themselves out of the woods, and have a new life.

I think he might just use his divorce as an excuse to rationalize the fact that he IS JUST NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN.

He is ready to be passionate, but he is not read to get committed.

So now, you need to ask yourself what you yourself really need, based on your age, background, and mostly your personality.

If you want to settle down right now or as soon as possible, this guy is definitely not the one for you at least for a long time.
看到这么多诚恳的回贴，让人感到人家温暖，很喜欢。文化的差异对人为人处世的影响还是很大的，有些西人和我们对人对事的处理方法还是很不一样的。第一次是从我的西人老板那知道男人来自火星 -hehiha(haha); 2007-8-29 {210} (#3901061@0)
女人来自金星这本书的，那时我们有点小矛盾。我去读了这本书，觉得很多地方不敢苟同。后来又和我老板闹意见，他又说他不是FROM VENUS，似乎很认同该书。也许该书对西人来说很正确吧，否则也不会这么有名。和老外交往可以参考？

彻底服了你们了。一个接一个地跳出来，信誓旦旦地说你们的病就是这个功，不，这本书治好的。 -dlood(lord_of_blood); 2007-8-29 {35} (#3901137@0)
请问在这书出版以前世界上有没有love?

@Ontario

关于男人pull himself away, the book <Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus> said "Men Are Like Rubber Bands"

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