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thanks but i think i am. this may not be the best example, but probably is as close as i can get, only with less emotion involved.

getreal(getreal)

you are buying a house, three houses on your radar after rounds of screenings. you can afford one only. really like that one with a pool which needs more cleaning work and maintenance, you also don't know any termite or in flood zone or ... yet. 6 motnhs for a full investigation. you know you seriously want to buy one of them, with all the tradeoff analysis and bargin hassles, you may end up buying an "optimal" one without the pool, knowing if you don't bid it, others will. it's not your favorite but overall it's a very safe and good deal. marriage in my eyes is as complex as that, but less compromising before the decision. that's what i've been struggling for.

(#3465527@0)
Last Updated: 2007-1-29
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枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / dating puzzle, please coach a simple guy. if you ain't into long messages, please skip this. thanks. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 {2512} (#3461712@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I’ve been struggling with this issue for several months and it’s still not resolved.

1. I met her 1+ year ago, and since then we’ve become close that we started talking about marriage. I love the girl, and she has every good point that you’d want in a wife, except for one: her looks. not that she’s unattractive, she’s just short of inspiring and unfortunately that's very important to me. I had a few times thinking she might be the one, looking at her smiling face when she was asleep. ultimately, a hole resides inside me despite all those good points, she cannot fill.

2. to make this more complex, i incidentally met the other girl two months back and she has that element taking my breath away, as well as many common interests and hobbies. i knew little about her personality and history yet, but we were quickly connected, she's just the springtime i dreamed of so desperate during the cold winter chills.

i don't want to ride two horses (or say step on two boats) at the same time, need a clear mind moving forward either way.

- if i initiate (or encourage her to initiate) the breakup with my current gf, she would be hurt someway, i am indebted, although she has already sensed that our connections and passion are fading loose. i just feel like she's my sister now. i also think it's irresponsible to be with a nice innocent girl who's 100% on you while you can not reciprocate. i may not be able to meet any other girl with all those wife traits.
- as i make efforts to ask the 2nd girl out, my intuition tells me (I may find out later) she's only good fit as a girlfriend or a lover. she's gorgeous and never lacks of admirers, she also needs some "help" in many ways. she has some temper as most beautiful girls do, dating her and score well won't be easy, cold shoulders occasionally could happen. knowing that everything great comes with a price and risks, that's the challenge i'm willing to take.

I’m not a novice when it comes to girls, but somehow still quite simple minded (or you can call it shallow). i am not getting any younger and like to settle down soon. while my friends have succeeded in their career these years, i'm just doing well. with some great fundamentals and potentials, it could be much better should I not spend such amount of time and energy in these datings and mind games.

guess my close friends are not wise enough to give me what i consider to be solid advice. what would you do, if you were me ? thanks and bow ...更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

If I had a gf like your current one, I would be very happy to marry her and love her in my rest life. -wangqingshui(忘情水); 2007-1-28 (#3461784@0)
其实你自己也说了现在的GF的好. 那些好我认为是最本质的内在的方面. 而另一个女孩吸引你的方面却大多是表面的. -wangqingshui(忘情水); 2007-1-28 (#3461787@0)

前者有做好WIFE的本质,未必能使LZ真正幸福,后者虽然还需多多改进,可是如果碰到懂她的有自信的男人,肯定能让男人更幸福.就看楼主自己是什么坯子了. -sheepskin(小羊皮); 2007-1-28 (#3461867@0)

dui! -autumnmm(前世今生?en!); 2007-1-28 (#3461871@0)
exactly. when it comes to emotion-intensive stuff, different mindsets affect the decision making. my exgf was almost perfect, i was too young to accomodate her temper, we were apart after being together 3 years. but that's the best time i ever had. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 (#3462346@0)

其实我有点不是很理解你, 或者可能你没有完全说出你真实的感受, 或者你自己也不太清楚问题在哪里. -wangqingshui(忘情水); 2007-1-28 {706} (#3461809@0)
以我自己的思维来看, 如果外貌上不满足我要求的女孩, 我就不会开始, 也就不会发展到象你与你GF目前这么深入的地步, 也无法了解到她的这么优秀的内在美.

当我发展到你和你GF这么深入的地步以后, 我能够了解她的这么多优秀的内在美以后, 我不会再反过来考虑她的外表如何了. 我会沉浸在和她在一起的幸福中, 并且感激她给我的幸福, 也给她幸福, 尽我的一切努力呵护她, 不让任何风雨影响我们的幸福.

而且, 就我自己找GF, 我希望找内在美的女孩. 特别漂亮的女孩是没有机会的. 人与人不同吧. 如果都和我一样, 那不是漂亮女孩都要去整容(毁容)了? 所以我的观点可能并不适合你.

一切还得问你自己. 如果你以我的标准去做, 你心头可能一直有点不甘心. 那么以后如何抵挡外来的诱惑, 也是需要考虑的. 或许, 根本不需要抵挡, 外来的诱惑可能是上帝对你的恩赐呢. :D

life is circular. after a year probation since walk-away from my long time exgf, i was trying to return to basics when met current gf. somehow that evil hole could not be filled after a year. my concern is that after the possible marriage -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 {202} (#3462382@0)
if i am not immune from itchy when being approached or surrounded by other beautiful girls, affairs may eventually happen, that will certainly break my ethical codes and cause more severe damage on her.

Since you already have these concerns right now, I don't think you are ready for a serious relationship yet, other words, you are not mature enough to know what you really want. -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-29 (#3463567@0)

thanks but i think i am. this may not be the best example, but probably is as close as i can get, only with less emotion involved. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-29 {678} (#3465527@0)
you are buying a house, three houses on your radar after rounds of screenings. you can afford one only. really like that one with a pool which needs more cleaning work and maintenance, you also don't know any termite or in flood zone or ... yet. 6 motnhs for a full investigation. you know you seriously want to buy one of them, with all the tradeoff analysis and bargin hassles, you may end up buying an "optimal" one without the pool, knowing if you don't bid it, others will. it's not your favorite but overall it's a very safe and good deal. marriage in my eyes is as complex as that, but less compromising before the decision. that's what i've been struggling for.

Hehe, marriage is not like a house hunting game, what if one day the safest choice knows all about why you choose her, and lost the interests to be with you, can you imagine your feeling at that time? -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-30 (#3465660@0)

when confronting choices at this magnitude which can go either way, without other help (including what i am soliciting for), you have to trust your gut feeling -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-31 {76} (#3468184@0)
even you didn't make the best decision, you would likely be less regretful.

Just have a feeling, your attitude towards love is not really a sincere one, with all the counting and calculating, a true love might already be missed... -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-31 (#3468693@0)

Love needs you dedicate yourself, not like a business person choosing the best product in the market. -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-30 (#3465661@0)

说白了，你不爱第一个女孩，你只是利用她的好，你也不爱第二个女孩，说白了占有她只是满足了你的虚荣心。你根本还不懂得爱。此题无解！ -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-28 (#3461838@0)

maybe you are right. this is probably part of learning yourself and love, apparently no simple solution. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 (#3462418@0)
when you are with someone, you are fulfilled in many ways and you want to become a better person, if that's called 虚荣心, i'll happilly take it. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 (#3462440@0)

True love is not only about changing yourself to be a better person, a long last love is more about responsibility , the ability to stay with the other during ups and downs. -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-29 (#3463560@0)

Seems she is the inspiration to you right now, can you be her inspiration one day she needs? -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-29 (#3463561@0)

yeah, that's one of the things to explore. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-29 (#3465489@0)

right, but that's the next phase, After you two find out each other is the best fit and decide to foster the long lasting love. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-30 (#3465532@0)

" it could be much better should I not spend such amount of time and energy in these datings and mind games. " 呵呵, 别当游戏, 用心先啊. -fatigue(微笑和轻松); 2007-1-28 (#3461852@0)

thanks. with so much struggle and headaches, i think i have been serious in relationship. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 (#3462392@0)

for your sake, don't make decision yet. Step on two boards and take your time to find out if the second girl fit you or not? :) -redcarrot(萝卜); 2007-1-28 (#3462417@0)

that's a safe move, thanks :) but i live in my own world, can't do it. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-28 (#3462460@0)

What do you mean by "can't do it"? you already did it. -beifangren(花卷); 2007-1-29 (#3465158@0)

you are right in a sense my wind has already swiftly shifted a little. but that's as far as i can go now. the real adventure hasn't really started yet and may never happen. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-30 (#3465488@0)

"也许每一个男子全都有过这样的两个女人，至少两个．娶了红玫瑰，久而久之，红的变了墙上的一抹蚊子血，白的还是“床前明月光”；娶了白玫瑰，白的便是衣服上的一粒饭粘子，红的却是心口上的一颗朱砂痣。" -letschat(letschat); 2007-1-30 (#3465666@0)
If u don't want the 1st one, PM me, please and thanks -nuanxin(暖心); 2007-1-30 (#3466173@0)
No comments on your romance, but it's a pleasure to read your English. -deepseadiver(潜水员); 2007-1-30 (#3466194@0)
#2 for sure, and pleasure toread your English too. -adsm(adsm); 2007-1-30 {450} (#3466513@0)
The reason is simple, you've met someone is more inspiring as you said. That's very important. And the key is don't contemplating for too long, do it quick and don't look back !!!

And from my experience, I've been dumped and dumped someone too, both cases I wrapped up within a week. Guess what, all of us end up with more suitable (or should I say better) ones.

Ofcouse, you can always wait for #3 to come up, whose a mixture of #1 & 2.

thanks for the compliments. yes, not much time to spare. not hope to do the thing right, just like to do the right thing with due diligence, get the monkey off my back, then move down to my priority list. -getreal(getreal); 2007-1-31 (#3468173@0)

@Ontario

thanks but i think i am. this may not be the best example, but probably is as close as i can get, only with less emotion involved.

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