本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
your
cheeks then there's no hope for you. NOTE: Please take time to read this
slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the
third is even better.
In Texas they actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by
the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to
look
HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
no longer focus my eyes.I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water.My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
your
cheeks then there's no hope for you. NOTE: Please take time to read this
slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the
third is even better.
In Texas they actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by
the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to
look
HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
no longer focus my eyes.I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water.My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net